A FUnnie look at the loony residents of the Democratic Underground aka DUmmies in particular and the Leftwing Blogosphere in general.
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Pitt FINALLY Mentions the Name of Scott Ritter
An historic event. WILLIAM RIVERS PITT after years of completely IGNORING the co-author of his unread book, Scott Ritter, ever since he was busted and incarcerated for criminal perversion, FINALLY mentions him. In fact he dedicated an entire THREAD, "Edward Snowden, my book with Scott Ritter, and the art of exploiting the messenger vs. the message" to the imprisoned Ritter. So why the sudden attention given to his co-author who was up to this moment completely IGNORED by Pitt? Simple. Pitt hopes to use the attention now being paid to Edward Snowden and compare him to Ritter in a pathetic attempt to boost sales for his book currently LANGUISHING at #1,356,192 on Amazon.Com. So let us now watch WILLIAM RIVERS PITT attempt to ride Snowden's fame into publicity for his unread book in Bolshevik Red while the commentary of your humble correspondent, wondering when Pitt will ever get around to mentioning his Fitzmas co-conspirator JASON LEOPOLD, is in the [brackets]:
Edward Snowden, my book with Scott Ritter, and the art of exploiting the messenger vs. the message
[You mean Scott Ritter whom you have totally IGNORED ever since he got busted for criminal perversion? Please proceed Hypocrite Pitt...] He went to China. He seems too coached in his remarks. His girlfriend was a pole-dancer. He was a bad neighbor. Lather, rinse, repeat.
[At least he didn't dance his pole on the Web to kids.] Edward Snowden is experiencing one of the more broad-spectrum efforts at character assassination in recent memory after his deliberate exposure of the far-reaching nature of NSA domestic surveillance. It's an old trick. Shit on a critic from great height, shit on a critic with great volume, in the hope that the critic becomes entombed in shit and loses their viability as a critic.
[Scott Ritter did some deliberate exposure of his own.] Disclaimer: I don't give much of a damn about Edward Snowden. I give a very large series of damns about the information he revealed, as should any thinking American in my personal opinion. Attacking his character, his girlfriend, his travel plans etc. is a shortcut to thinking, a way to tamp down revelations that this administration, like the previous administration, has been peeking through a lot of windows in ways the American people need to be aware of. Snowden attacks = Obama defense, in my humble o, and it's a pretty gruesome display from a lot of people who spent a lot of time attacking Bush on similar grounds not so long ago. But IOKIYBO appears to be the rule of the day.
[Disclaimer: All Pitt gives a damn about is WILLIAM RIVERS PITT.] In the summer of 2002, eight months before the invasion and occupation of Iraq, I co-authored a book titled "War on Iraq: What Team Bush Doesn't Want You to Know" with former weapons inspector Scott Ritter. The book we created, to this day, was dead-bang right not only about Iraq's lack of WMD, about Iraq's lack of al Qaeda/September 11 connections, but very accurately predicted the bloodbath shitshow that would take place if the invasion and occupation were to take place. Eleven years later, that book stands up to any test you want to give it, and it was Scott Ritter who provided the facts that make the book absolutely unimpeachable.
[How about the test of sales?] The final two paragraphs of Scott Ritter's Wikipedia page:
[Nolo Contendere? Nolo Contendere?] Ritter was detained in April 2001 and arrested in June 2001 in connection with police stings in which officers posed as under-aged girls to arrange meetings of a sexual nature. The first incident did not lead to any charges. He was charged with a misdemeanor crime of "attempted endangerment of the welfare of a child" after the second, but charges were dropped after he completed six months of probation and the record was sealed on condition that he avoid further trouble for a period of time. After this information was made public in early 2003, Ritter said that the timing of the leak was politically motivated.
[Just enjoy those cookies and sweet tea and Chris Hansen will greet you on-camera in a moment.] Ritter was arrested again in November 2009 over communications with a police decoy he met on an Internet chat site. Police said that he exposed himself via a web camera after the officer said she was a 15-year-old girl; Ritter said he was not made aware of the ostensible age of his correspondent before the act. The next month, Ritter waived his right to a preliminary hearing and was released on a $25,000 unsecured bail. Charges included "unlawful contact with a minor, criminal use of a communications facility, corruption of minors, indecent exposure, possessing instruments of crime, criminal attempt and criminal solicitation". Ritter rejected a plea bargain, testified in his trial and was found guilty of all but the criminal attempt count in a Monroe County, Pennsylvania courtroom on April 14, 2011. In October 2011 he received a sentence of one and a half to five and a half years in prison.
[Where he has received not one visit from a Temporary SockPuppet.] I am not going to speak to Ritter's guilt or innocence regarding these charges; he had a lawyer and a trial and a jury, and it is what it is. But the revelation in February 2003 effectively removed him, and our book, from the debate over the war a month before the war kicked off...and the book was right, he was right, we were right, and now a lot of people are dead even though we were right.
[As right as about Karl Rove being indicted on May 12, 2006.] Scott Ritter's personal failings doomed his message. The people who wanted to entomb him in shit to shut him up did not have to work hard to do so...but even with all that shit, there remains the pesky fact that he was 100% spot-on correct about the war, its aftermath and its eventual outcome.
[And what was Jason Leopold's excuse? Insanity? Deceit? Criminality?] People are currently attempting to entomb Snowden in shit because they don't like his message...and no one has accused him of anything even remotely as serious as what Ritter was accused and eventually convicted of...and yet so many have already decided he's just another shitbag to be ignored.
[He got enough attention to make WILLIAM RIVERS PITT jealous.] My point: separate the man from the message. Scott Ritter was a deeply flawed man according to the courts, but a lot of people would be alive if his message had been allowed to stand on its merits instead of getting dragged down and erased with him.
[No greater than the flaws of a certain Temporary SockPuppet.] Snowden is one thing. His message is another. As someone with personal experience in watching a good message get destroyed by attacks on the messenger, I implore you not to let it happen in this case.
[And, btw, please read my unread book.] I don't give a damn about Snowden, and I don't give a damn about Ritter.
[We already know you don't give a damn about Ritter. Not one prison visit did you perform. Not one mention of Ritter by you up till now. And now to the DUmmie Peanut Gallery.....] And what "insider" information did the government have on Ritter, and how did they get it, that allowed them to destroy his character so completely (and in a manner coordinated to silence Ritter during the final push for the war)? They must have been keeping tabs on his internet activity to know that was into, too-young women. If they did not know why would they have set up the sting? Coincidence? I don't think so.
[Perhaps Chris Hansen was monitoring him. And did the government at least let Ritter have a taste of the obligatory sweet tea?] Guess Will Pitt passed the character test as he was not similarly destroyed. Or maybe Pitt just wasn't as big a concern as Ritter in that episode, and his book had been discredited by its association with Ritter anyway.
Next time Pitt threatens to expose information, the government wants hidden, we will hear non-stop, on every tv station, how he enjoys bullying homeless women. You know they've got that on him.
[Which reminds me... What happened to Bobo the Hobo whom Pitt threatened with physical violence? Was she checkbooked to stay out of DUmmieland?] Elliot Spitzer also arguably wouldn't have had his private habits nearly as much on the radar if he wasn't trying to go after corrupt banksters himself as AG of New York and subsequently as governor.
[Had he not gone after the banksters, Spitzer's bony bod would still be parading before high price hookers.] a snake under a rock that you cant see is more of a danger than a snake slithering out in the open.
[Ritter's snake was out in the open on the Web for all to see.] I've been tossed under the DU bus so many times I have GOODYEAR tattooed across my ass.
[Most likely you fell under the bus, Will, and that is GOOD BEER tattooed on your butt.]
"IRS - Did Lois Lerner botch 5th Amendment assertion"
Okay, I admit it. The main reason for this DUmmie FUnnies edition is so I can post the VIDEO of the sublime moment in yesterday's Congressional IRS hearing when Trey Gowdy let the world and Lois Lerner know that she BLEW it by accidentally waiving her Fifth Amendment rights when she delivered a self-serving opening statement proclaiming her innocence. One moment she is relieved to be dismissed by the committee's chairman and the next moment she is having a Depends Moment when she realizes, thanks to Trey Gowdy, that she completely BLEW her invocation of her Fifth Amendment rights. The DUmmies also noticed that too as you can see in this THREAD, "IRS - Did Lois Lerner botch 5th Amendment assertion." So let us now watch the DUmmies observe in Bolshevik Red how Lois Lerner blew her Fifth Amendment shield while the commentary of your humble correspondent, who notes that Lois Lerner after admitting she was bad at math is even worse at basic legal matters, is in the [brackets]:
IRS - Did Lois Lerner botch 5th Amendment assertion. [Measured by the sudden expansion of her Depends...YES.] Lois Lerner started off her appearance by proclaiming her innocence and then Rep(tilian)Trey Gowdy SC said:
“She just testified. She just waived her Fifth Amendment right to privilege,” Rep. Trey Gowdy, R-S.C., a former federal prosecutor, said, “You don’t get to tell your side of the story and then not be subjected to cross-examination. That’s not the way it works. She waived her right to Fifth Amendment privilege by issuing and opening statement. She ought to stand here and answer our questions.” Members of the public watching in the committee room applauded enthusiastically. Anyone know how the whole "plead the fifth" thing works and what else you're allowed to say? [Is that question coming from Lois Lerner's lawyer? ...And now to the DUmmie reactions.] Too bad - she blew it. You can't defend yourself and then invoke the 5th. [Unfortunately Lois Lerner's lawyer was sleeping in class the day they taught that.] No one said she perjured herself. She simply began to tesify, and then invoked the Fifth. Prosecutors would say that is a no-no. [A no-no which caused poor Lois to do doo-doo.] Then she should have kept her mouth shut, ya think? [Keep your mouth shut so your other end doesn't go wide open.] You can invoke the 5th at any time. Even mid-sentence. [Sure. Even in mid-burp.] Can't use it as a sword and a shield. If you decide to shut up, you need to shut up. If you decide to talk, you talk. You don't get to make self-serving statements and then refuse to answer questions about those statements or their subject matter.
[LOUSY FREEPER TROLL!!!]
DUmmies Support IRS Official For Pleading the Fifth
Surprise! Surprise! The DUmmies SUPPORT IRS official Lois Lerner for pleading the Fifth Amendment as it is reported she will do tomorrow during a congressional hearing tomorrow. At least the DUmmies have revealed themselves since I checked KOmmieland and there is NADA there about this. There was a lot of reaction at the HUffington Post but since they allow NORMAL people in there, over 90% of the posters condemned Lerner. Of course, there were a few voices of reason in this DUmmie THREAD, "IRS Official Lois Lerner Will Plead The 5th Amendment," which leads me to suspect that those posts were made by LOUSY FREEPER TROLLS!!! So let us now watch the DUmmies give high fives to Lois Lerner in Bolshevik Red while the commentary of your humble correspondent, who wonders if WILLIAM RIVERS PITT will mind IRS agents staring up his rectum when they administer ObamaCare, is in the [brackets]:
IRS Official Lois Lerner Will Plead The 5th Amendment
[DUmmies stand up and cheer!] Lois Lerner, the official in charge of the exempt organizations division at center of the targeting scandal plaguing the Internal Revenue Service, invoked the Fifth Amendment on Tuesday, refusing to testify before a House oversight hearing this week. “She has not committed any crime or made any misrepresentation but under the circumstances she has no choice but to take this course,” an attorney for Lerner told committee Chairman Darrell Issa (R-CA) in a letter obtained by the Los Angeles Times.
[An innocent lamb...who has to plead the Fifth to stay out of jail.] Since she intends not to answer questions, the letter requests Lerner be exempt from the hearing since her appearance would “have no purpose other than to embarrass or burden her.”
[Poor baby!] Lerner initially revealed during a Q&A session in Washington that Internal Revenue Service agents at the Cincinnati branch office improperly scrutinized conservative non-profit groups for additional reviews from 2010 to 2012. Lerner only recently disclosed that the question was planted, however.
[And now on to the DUmmies who cheer her on...] Well done , Ms. Lerner. f*ck those republicans in their greasy assholes
[Is that you, Ben Burch?] I know that pleading the 5th is not suppose to make her seem guilty, but it always kind of does - and here - with her not even being present, it actually transfer that patina of guilt to the organization and indirectly to Obama.
[Our Beloved Barack will avoid any hint of guilt because Valerie Jarrett long ago hermetically sealed him off from ugly reality in a giant condom.] Fact is she was active with the IRS beginning the Reagan Administration and was appointed during the Bush Administration. What Democratic organizations or causes has she been active in?
[BUSH'S FAULT!!!] I wish the corporate media would just verify that progressive non-profit groups were targeted also.
Ms. Lerner is a GOPer along with her hubby.
[Did Valerie Jarrett also seal you off from reality with Obama in that giant condom?] I think the Tea Party functions much like the Brown Shirts did for Hitler. They will be dealt with when they have done their dirty work.
[Are you applying for the job of IRS agent?] What proof do you have that she's a Republican?
[Proof? We don't need no stinkin' proof!] Issa will almost certainly demand she appear before the Inquisition. Tomas de Issa is rubbing his hands together with glee at the thought of forcing an IRS officer to have to say "Congressman, I plead the Fifth" about six hundred times as his panel gets more and more abrasive with her. This footage will run on every TV station and on every Repuke's campaign commercials for the next...oh, say ten years. Here's reality: this scrutiny SHOULD have been done across the board to every 501(C)(4) application, but thanks to our Republicans there's no money. And the only reason it's "improper" is that it happened to people Republicans like. If we had a Republican in the White House and the IRS was caught crawling through Democratic groups, the entire RW blogosphere and the entire conservative press would be cheering.
[Lerner is going to plead the Fifth and you sound like you swallowed a Fifth.] She is fishing for immunity. Which generally means she has something to offer or knows something she feels a need to be compelled to before doing so.
[How much she knows can be estimated by counting the number of beads of sweat rolling down Obama's face.] This whole thing is an intricate, 'long con' Rovian setup ...
[Ah. A Perfect Rovian Storm!]
I don't buy for ONE SECOND that this 'scandal' has anything remotely to do with Obama or the Dems trying to harm their 'political enemies' by denying them NP status. Obama is getting 'Dan Rather'd here.
[Poor innocent Dan Rather who got busted for using FAKE but ACCURATE documents.]
I think Lois has been working for ROVE. And the people at the IRS would did this targeting were also working for ROVE.
["Lois" does sound like "Lucy" as in Lucy Ramirez so you might be on to something here.]
IOW, this whole thing is political theater. Rove told her to plead the Fifth to try to make Obama look bad/guilty, and so she won't have to be grilled by Dems at the hearing. That's right, I think she's going to take the 5th because the people running this scam are actually afraid of the Democrat's questions, not the GOP's questions.
[You know what? This all quite amusing but I suspect that "DUmmie" brett_jv is actually a LOUSY FREEPER TROLL!!! Sorry for blowing your cover but you really do need to be a bit more subtle. Oh, and don't post anything this wild while you still have a low post count. Sorry, for outing you but you can learn from this experience to your advantage in your next DUmmie resurrection. I might even use my DUmmie Moderator deep cover to tombstone you.]
"Sixteen Scandals": What scandals? More like racist attacks!
When in doubt, pull it out. Pull what out, you ask? Why, the Race Card, of course. It always comes in handy whenever Our President comes under attack.
And so it is for such a time as this that the Race Card was created. For this has been a very rough week or so for Dear Leader. I mean, the Benghazi scandal, which just won't go away, now has been joined by the IRS targeting scandal and the AP record-seizing scandal. Oy! Time for the Big Guy to take a golfing vacation somewhere, I guess, to get a little stress relief.
But the DUmmies say, "Scandals? What scandals? There are no scandals here. These are just fabrications, manufactured scandals. Clearly, the desperate Rethuglicans are grasping at straws." The REAL reason, of course, the Repukes are going after Mr. Obama is quite obvious. Everybody, say it with me: THEY CAN'T STAND HAVING A BLACK MAN IN THE WHITE HOUSE!
The DUmmies pull out the Race Card for the 837th time here in this THREAD, "We are witnessing a modern day political lynching party." DUmmie Hugabear is CONVINCED there is no substance, absolutely none, to all the charges flying around, and that this is just another racist plot by the EEEvil Rethuglicans.
But before we get to the DUmmies, let's serenade our embattled president with this song that hath charms to soothe the savage press. Click the music link and sing along!
Sixteen scandals Make a lousy week You're up a creek And you've sprung a leak
Throw out the scandals Make them go away That's what you're wishing-- A merry month of May
They're only sixteen And that's still fairly clean They're the teeniest, tiniest "-gates" I've ever seen
Sixteen scandals In a week or so For Barry Obama It's a tale of woe
They're only sixteen And that's still fairly clean They're the teeniest, tiniest "-gates" I've ever seen
Sixteen scandals In a week or so For Barry Obama It's a tale of woe It's a tale of woe
So let us go to the card table now and watch the DUmmies pull the Race Card out of their collective sleeve, in the Bolshevik Red suit, while the commentary of your humble guest correspondent, Charles Henrickson, the wag tailoring the doggerel, is in the [Barackets]:
We are witnessing a modern day political lynching party
[A lynching? I wonder why that could be. Please tell us, DUmmie Hugabear . . .]
The rethugs cannot stand that there is a black man in the White House. . . .
[Now where have I heard that before? Oh, it was on DU. About 836 times before this time.]
all they have left is impeachment or resignation.
[And all Obama has left is his impeachment insurance, aka Crazy Joe Biden.]
So here comes the scandal parade, one after another.
[I love a parade!]
Benghazi, IRS, AP, etc.
[And that was just last week!]
If they need to make sh*t up. . . .
[Oh, that won't be necessary. BO produces enough sh*t on his own to spread around.]
All par for the course.
[Which reminds me: Isn't it about time our hard-working president is due for another golfing vacation?]
Just watch, next week they'll come up with yet another manufactured scandal, then another. . . . Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if they eventually accuse Obama of murder.
[Probably MASS murder! Those D*MN, RACIST Rethuglicans!!]
[Thank you, DUmmie Hugabear, for setting the tone. Now it's on to the other DUmmies . . .]
They're the type of people who whenever they lose at a pick-up game of basketball, then they want to pick a fight with you afterwards.
[White men can't jump! All they can do is jump YOU from behind! D*MN those evil white heterosexual males!]
Yep, I agree. I bet a lot of it is because he's black.
["A lot of it"?? That's ALL it is! They can't STAND having a black man in the White House! (838 . . .)]
So it's because he's a black, muslim, democrat and his last name, "Obama."
[Which reminds me of a joke: A Muslim, an illegal alien, and a socialist walk into a bar. And the bartender says: "So what'll it be, Mr. President?"]
right-wingers can't cope. LOL. They are going bananas with Obama in office.
[You just used "bananas" and "Obama" in the same sentence. THAT'S RACIST!]
In their white-washed mind this can't be happening.
[Actually, the one doing the white-washing is Obama's white, house-press secretary:]
It's a threat to their white manhood.
[And here I thought this was about things like the abuse of power. Silly me. No, it's really because I feel that my white manhood is threatened.]
Of course there is the other side of me which says they are doing this because he's a Democrat.
[Try the third side of you (if you have one), which says they're doing this because it looks like there are some real scandals here.]
They are pulling the same stuff on Obama that they did with Clinton, a white guy. [No, Clinton was a black guy, remember. The First Black President. They were afraid he had sex with that white woman, Miss Lewinsky.]
Obama is no "Tricky Dick Nixon."
[But since Obama is a black man, they feel threatened by his . . . tricky. . . .]
Never criticize the Leader. I love the Leader. All hail the Leader. Any suggestion that President Obama has ever done anything wrong or has made a political miscalculation is treasonous.
[I detect a note of sarcasm . . . and a LOUSY FREEPER TROLL!!!]
when the base says muslim, they mean black. when they say communist, they mean foreign. when they say corrupt a priori, they mean black.
I am so sick of these freaks. Since Obama was running for office they've been threatening to lynch him - literally - with a rope.
[Literally. In a figurative sort of way.]
Screw 'em. They can go to hell with Hitler and the KKK.
[The DUmmies don't believe in God, they reject organized religion, and they hate Christianity. But there's one thing they do believe in: There is a hell, and it's filled with racist Rethuglicans. And Hitler, of course.]
Their 'made-up' scandals won't work on me. . . .
[Why is that, Jay the Carney Barker? Please tell us . . .]
Their 'made-up' scandals won't work on me, I don't watch much news. I don't even give a rats behind what they come up with, because I'm not watching it.
[If I don't watch it, it doesn't exist.]
It actually reminds me of the Clinton era, although Clinton's impeachment was far more personal. At least we are not hearing Obama's penis discussed every night on the news.
[Discussing Obama's penis would take twice as long, of course.]
The Benghazi obsession actually seems far more directed toward Hillary and 2016 than at Obama at all.
["Benghazi"? What is this "Benghazi" of which you speak?]
There's a particular viciousness to their Obama attacks. They hated Bill Clinton, they despise Hillary, they don't like Democrats in general. But there is a special venom to their anti-Obama hatred, a new level of vitriol.
[V for Viciousness. And Venom. And Vitriol.]
With Obama - they don't need to find anything in particular 'wrong' with him to get the racists foaming at the mouth. Hey, he's a black man in the WH - no need for anything further to be said.
[Yep, that's it. They can't stand, etc. (839)]
I have never seen such sustained hatred against one man in my life. Never.
[Check the DUmmieland archives, circa 2001-2009. Look under "Chimpy McBushitler."]
The umbrella umbrage is a good example.
[The rain that came fell vainly on Hussein.]
Bullsh*t. Obama and his admin are like any before, they are sworn to uphold the Constitution and govern on behalf of the people. They have clearly failed in several areas, although the extent of those failures are yet to be known. It isn't racist to call the Obama admin on the IRS bullsh*t. It isn't racist to call the Obama admin on the AP/DOJ bullsh*t. It isn't racist to ask serious questions about Bengazi as long as those questions remain unanswered. Nothing racist about it. I hate it when the race card is played because it's the best card in the hand. This is about abuse of power and misleading the American people. Not pretty, but that's what it is. Calling criticisms racist is a vapid response that insults anyone who is paying attention.
[DUmmie Skip Intro, you win a BIG Kewpie Doll, extra-large, for this Brilliant Though Brief Moment of Mental Clarity! Congratulations!]
anyone who uses the phrase "race card" is a racist. are you just mad you can't call african americans the n word anymore? nice recitation of right wing talking points there cowboy
[You might be a racist--no, you MUST be a racist--if you say "race card." Prepare for tombstoning, DUmmie Skip Intro!]
So get used to manufactured, trumped up, baseless "scandals" for the next 3.5 years.
Advice to a lovelorn DUmmie: Go to Mars, young moonbat, go to Mars!
Today we visit two DUmmie threads that may seem like they're not related, but really they are. I'm referring to this THREAD, "So ladies think there's any hope for me?" and this THREAD, "78,000 apply for one-way mission to Mars." Don't worry if you don't see the connection now. All things will become clear.
So let us board our Curiosity rover and explore the terrain of Planet DUmmieland, in Red Planet Red, while the commentary of your humble guest correspondent, Charles Henrickson, ready to do a DUFU on DUFOs, is in the [brackets]:
So ladies think there's any hope for me?
[This is a thread posted by DUmmie Locut0s, who apparently lacks hope for success with the ladies. Let's find out why.]
Things going against me:
[Well, you're a DUmmie, for starters. That does not augur well. But, go ahead, DUmmie Locut0s, let's see your list. . . .] 31 year old virgin with a bunch of mental baggage. Depression and anxiety. Never so much as held hands with a girl. Still live at home with parents. Having problems living in the world due to emotional issues. Put on a few extra pounds. Initially probably looking for sex above other things (but that's probably more due to having never played around in my teens and 20s like most do) Not looking for a family.
[Summary: Tubbo here lives in his parents' basement, and one night, in a fit of passion, he landed his whole 350 pounds on his blow-up love doll, thus flattening her. So rather than having to buy a new one out of his weekly allowance, he's wondering if he can find a cheap date online. Good luck, soldier.]
Things going for me:
[This better be good, because right now you're making DUmmie stevenumbers look like a babe magnet.]
Still quite handsome, been told I'm strikingly so when I've lost some weight. Very intelligent. Excellent sense of humour. Awesome personality, I get along with most people. Longer run looking for a life companion, someone to laugh and joke and have fun with. I feel like I'd be a great cuddler and listener.
[Hey, if you'd be interested in dating a blog, DUmmie FUnnies would laugh and joke and have fun with you.]
Any hope you think, or should I just pack my bags and forget about it. I probably will anyway.
[No, no hope. Just pack your bags. More on that later. But first, let's see what your fellow DUmmies have to say . . .]
Use the talents listed to turn the cons into a comedy routine and you'll have to fight them off with a stick.
[Good idea! And now that you've been featured on the DUmmie FUnnies, you may even get your own groupies! Nadin Brzezinski, for example, is even coming out with her own pin-up calendar next year, she's that popular. Fame is an aphrodisiac.]
I am good at making people laugh. But the stage and me do not mix well. I'd probably get up there and immediately sh*t my pants. Though that in and of itself might make for a funny routine.
[Go for it, DUmmie Locut0s. You'll attract all the girls with a fecal fetish.]
Write a humerous book - then self-publish on somplace like Amazon. Sell at a low price. . . .
[Is that you, William Rivers Pitt?]
I'm not a relationship expert, but I would have to guess that you aren't around women enough to meet any.
[Your mom coming down the stairs with a box of Pop-Tarts doesn't count as "being around women."]
You could maybe join a club at the gym or something.
[Just hope the people don't mistake you for one of those big exercise balls.]
volunteer and community work. . . .
[Maybe you COULD volunteer yourself as a fitness ball. It would be a way to meet girls.]
Take part in what life has to offer. Know and accept the fact that "We'll win some, and lose some." Be grateful for the opportunities life is offering you.
[Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof. Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep. Rotate your tires.]
There's a woman who's waiting for you to appear. . . .
[And she's armed with pepper spray.]
my interests are mainly cerebral or nerdy which makes it a little harder... I suppose I could look up book clubs or something. My main areas of interest would be science, computers, gaming, other nerdy stuff. There are actually some good gatherings for "nerds" (I hate using that term). Sakura Con, various gaming conversions. I know women like to go to them too.
[Know-it-all Nadin would be PERFECT for you! She's definitely cerebral, she's into gaming, and she too resembles a fitness ball. Only problem is, she's married to a submarine commander, and she's probably got you on her iggy list, anyhow.]
I met my wife playing D and D.
[DUmmie and DUmmier?]
Do you have any female platonic friends?
[No, but he did have a female plastic friend. Until the recent explosion, that is.]
If you don't, you may be inclined to think of women as a strange, alien life form. . . .
[Ah, you're anticipating the next thread. Hold on, though.]
Desperation is another turn-off. Some people just radiate it. I don't believe I radiate desperation, although I'm sure I would radiate some amount of awkwardness at first.
[Speaking of radiation, DUmmie Locut0s, you may want to consider using a BO stick. PJ can get you a coupon.]
Go to Lisdoonvarna County Clare Ireland in September. Go to the Lisdoonvarna Matchmaking Festival. . . .
[And when that doesn't work, keep circumnavigating the globe until you realize you may need to check out other planets.]
Find other people of a like mind.
[You'd think DUmmieland would be a GOLD MINE of moonbat maidens! Have you PMed DUmmie Sarah Ibuprofen yet? Like a moth drawn to a flame, DUmmie Sarah keeps falling for rethuglican boyfriends, who treat her like a queen. It drives her mad! She's looking for a liberal loser just like you, DUmmie Locut0s! Give her a whirl!]
C'mon, girls! He's Canadian! You get all that AND universal health care!
[Which you may need, considering his best friends are farm animals.]
I'm a 28-year-old dude, never been in a relationship, not a virgin but have little experience. I also live at home. . . .
[Well, if DUmmie Locut0s gets desperate enough, he may give you a try.]
in addition to the good advice you've gotten here. . . .
[Guess who steps in now to give DUmmie Locut0s even more advice on wooing a girl? DUmmie stevenumbers! That's like having Michael Moore give advice on running track! Next . . .]
consider re-evaluating yourself more realistically. If you were that great, you wouldn't be having this problem.
[You are a fluke of the universe. You have no right to be here. And whether you can hear it or not, the universe is laughing behind your back.]
Traveling always made me feel a lot better. . . . sometimes a change of scenery really does help.
[Good. We'll get to that in a moment.]
Since you clearly need actual help allow me to advise you. I will be blunt: Alpha the hell up. . . . Talk to every attractive woman you see. Say hello, ask them out to coffee, offer them a fifty for a blow job. Whatever. Go ahead and f*** up, it's okay -- there are a hundred million more of them so who the hell cares. Stop giving a d*mn what they think. Stop CARING so d*mn much, stop liking them and worshipping them. F*** that, if they want to be treated well they can d*mn well earn it.
[DUmmie Demo_Chris says: Treat women like DIRT! That's what they REALLY want!]
And for Cthuhlu's sake don't fall in love with the first chick that you win. You're a wolf, a predator, so keep hunting.
[Predatory Dating 101.]
The BFF guy doesn't need to learn compassion and courtesy, he'll lie in a mud puddle to keep princess from getting her high heals dirty. He needs to learn that it's okay to tell her to lie in that puddle, then walk around it laughing.
[DUmmie Demo_Chris LAUGHS at the chick in the mud puddle! Ha! Ha!]
We all have to work for a living and support ourselves. It's time you do that.
[Wait, wait, wait! Isn't this DEMOCRATIC Underground?? And you talk about WORK?? I thought everyone has a RIGHT to income equality! Isn't that what the government is there for? And this guys's a Canadian, to boot! Why waste time working?]
[OK, now that we've heard from your fellow DUmmies, DUmmie Locut0s, I've turned your problem over to the DUmmie FUnnies' own advice-to-the-lovelorn columnist, Li'l Beaver. Here's what he has to say . . .
[Dear DUmmie Locut0s: Consider a mission to Mars. That's right, you heard me--a mission to Mars. Think about it: If you were a Martian girl, would you want to date some little green man, when you COULD go out with even a fat loser from Earth? . . . On second thought, don't answer that. . . . But, anyhow, do look into a flight to Mars. It couldn't be any worse than what you're doing now. Cheers! Li'l Beaver]
[Which leads us to our next thread . . .]
78,000 apply for one-way mission to Mars
[78,001, now that we've put the bug in DUmmie Locut0s's ear.]
Mars One, a Dutch company’s project that aims to fly four people to the red Planet every two years, starting in April 2023 has reportedly received more than 78,000 entries. . . .
[The DUmmies can apply for a group rate and make Mars the BOLSHEVIK Red Planet!]
the company is expecting 500,000 applicants by the time applications close on August 31.
[Act now, DUmmies! Time is growing short!]
I'm signing up. . . .
[There's one! Who's next?]
Nowhere to go, stuck with a given group of people for the rest of your life? No thanks.
[But, but, if all you DUmmies go, you could turn Mars into a Workers' Paradise! Universal health care for all, and I do mean UNIVERSAL!]
Oh, I definitely think this is worth doing.
[That's the spirit! Imagine: No more rethuglicans, escape from Jesusland. . . .]
Strapping yourself to a rocket that might explode under you, launching into space, away from Earth, in the celestial void, traveling to Mars, another planet, setting your imprint on another world, digging into the soil of a foreign planet. . . .
[Plus, the global warming emanating from Earth, the Fukushima gas clouds wafting upwards. . . . But what reward comes without risk?]
Four at a time with regular launches of four more. At least the new arrivals will have food waiting for them. Shades of the Donner Party.
[Shades of the Dinner Party. With regular lunches.]
Shielding from cosmic rays and CME's is no little task as shielding means more mass, and there's that pesky Tsiolkovsky rocket equation in which greater mass launched means much greater mass due to the... F***ing rocket equation!! There's no escaping it.
[Not to worry. Between Know-it-all Nadin and Nerdy Science Student Locut0s, they'll have that Tsiolkovsky rocket equation thing figured out in no time.]
Nor is there an escape from the cosmic radiation, except for launching more mass as shielding.
[DUmmie Locut0s provides plenty of mass.]
Water would work well, as it is a superb absorber; that's why it's used to shield nuclear reactors. But water is f***ing massive and then you've got Tsiolkovsky staring you in the face again. [Triage milk. Nadin has whole pallets.]
I wonder if Yau Man Chan has applied.
[What about Sheila Jackson Lee? Maybe she can find the flag the astronauts planted there.]
What would motivate someone to want to do this?
[For DUmmie Locut0s, it's a confidence-builder and a chance to get out of the house. For DUmmie Demo_Chris, it's the Hunt for a Red Planet Chick to Laugh at in a Martian Mud Puddle, if they have any.]
Really hawt Martian women
[Calm down, DUmmie Locut0s!]
Mars Needs Women!
[DUmmie Locut0s is ready for lift-off!]
I wonder if Hubby put my name down.
[Alice Kramden checks in.]
A one way trip to Mars? Take my wife, please!!
[Henny Youngman checks in.]
How many of those 78,000 were signed up by someone else?
[Guess what, DUmmies? You're ALL going! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!]
what are the first 4 people supposed to do? Assuming there enough food and oxygen for them to survive until the next ship, what will they do to make the planet better for the next arrivals?
[Sounds like they'll need a community organizer. I've got just the fella in mind.]
They are creating livable areas, most likely underground. . . . [DUmmie Locut0s comments: It would not be difficult. Nuclear reactors could provide power almost indefinitely. Greenhouses could maintain plant life. Animals could be bred and slaughtered. I would guess that dwelling space for several hundred thousands of our people could easily be provided.]
I think there will be some psychological screening going on during the selection process.
[DUmmie Locut0s again: It could easily be accomplished with a computer. A computer could be set and programmed to accept factors from youth, health, sexual fertility, intelligence, and a cross-section of necessary skills. For instance, we would want someone who is already used to living below ground. Perhaps someone who likes to study science, over a long period of time. Someone a little "nerdy," let's say. A great cuddler and listener. That sort of person. Naturally, they would breed prodigiously, eh? There would be much time, and little to do. But with the proper breeding techniques and a ratio of, say, ten females to each male. . . . Excuse me. . . . The prevailing emotion will be one of nostalgia for those left behind, combined with a spirit of bold curiosity for the adventure ahead! Aaaahhh!!!]
24 business hours ago, WILLIAM RIVERS PITT, committed the unpardonable thought crime in the eyes of the DUmmies and the TruthOut Truthies, of defending the law enforcement authorities in their hunt for the ISLAMIC TERRORIST Boston Bombers. According to the Leftwing ideology out there, this closing down Boston streets in this dragnet was a much worse crime than the bombing itself. Therefore, Pitt was raked over the coals for his heretical deviation from this ideology. However, rather than defend himself, Pitt came back with an incredible pander column praising Muslims for all to hear as you can see in his TruthOut column, Friday Prayers at Yusuf Mosque. What makes this article really FUnnie isn't the pathetic pander and call for love by Pitt but the fact that many Truthies just aren't buying into it. Maybe they were just as disgusted as the normal people by Pitt boasting about what a hero he would have been if only he had been on the scene of the bombings. You might also note that it is apparent that many Truthies read the DUmmie FUnnies since they bring up many points about the Pittster that we have focused on in previous editions. So let us now watch the Truthie disgust with Pitt in Bolshevik Red while the commentary of your humble correspondent, who now knows why Pitt did NOT show up at the OWS Boston demonstrations, is in the [brackets]:
William Pitt YOU ARE A F*CKING HYPOCRITE OF THE WORST SORT!!!! When architects and engineers from all over the world are saying the 3 buildings that fell on 9/11/2001 were controlled demolitions, then that's what they were whether we like it or not!!!! ...So, to all those who continue to bash the 9/11 truth movement (as that c--- William Pitt has always done!!!), you are the main fuel for the biggest lie that is used to justify all the hateful acts and wars against Muslims throughout the world ('hateful acts' as illustrated by the first paragraph of the article). SHAME ON YOU William Pitt!!
[Sorry, Pitt, but when you try to pander to flat out leftwing whackos like the one above, it just won't work unless you howl at the moon along with them. ] In 2010 the Egyptian-born German academic Hamed Abdel-Samad wrote a book called Der Untergang der islamischen Welt (The Fall of the Islamic World), in which he predicted the collapse of the Islamic world within 30 years.
[From his lips to Allah's ears...] It appears that you’ve matured considerably since the time when you wrote that you were filled with hate and wrote about taking up firebombing.
[Really? And since that time he threatened bodily harm on poor dear Bobo the Hobo, an impoverished homeless woman going through life without the aid of a trust fund like You Know Who.] Shocked that one of the top posters on democratunderground, and the brave soul who threatened a homeless women with bodily harm, would present this waste of pixels in defense of the religion of peace. May your newborn daughter grow up to become the wife of a islamic militant WillPitt.
[Ouch!] Dear William, you have already lost so much of your credibility to critically think after your previous article where you degraded those of us who dare to question the tactics used during the Boston Lockdown. Please... spend less time at your local pub drinking suds.
[In Pitt's defense, he might have been writing under the influence of those suds when he stumbled into his Thought Crime.] The Koran talks about killing non-believers. Why the two-facedness?
[Because when Pitt writes under the influence of suds, he sees two of you.]
Take a look at the series of photos above. It is Lyndon Johnson giving the "Johnson Treatment" to Senator Theodore Green in order to extract a vote from him. Now try to imagine Barack Obama leaning in to a senator or congressman to obtain the same result. It's laughable to even imagine something like that. Obama just doesn't have the inclination for close quarter politicking that is necessary to pass desired legislation. I was thinking about this just a little while ago after reading this Commentary ARTICLE, "The Un-Lyndon Johnson," about how Obama hates the political process in stark contrast to Lyndon Johnson who CONSTANTLY worked on legislators...not just during infrequent phony "charm offensives." Now, I don't agree with much of Johnson's legislation which added expensive new government programs but you have to admire the guy's persistence. Contrast that with Obama who obviously detests the necessary art of politics (btw, have you noticed that the Bamster's Oval Office desk NEVER has any paperwork on it?). However, the true believers in DUmmieland can't bring themselves around to admitting that Obama is a flop in the nuts and bolts politics of the presidency as you can see in this THREAD, "WHY CAN'T PRESIDENT OBAMA GET ANYTHING DONE!!?1!!" Before you read the DUmmies making lame excuses for Obama's incompetence, I urge you to listen to this AUDIO of LBJ practically twisting Senator Richard Russell's arm out of joint to put him on the Warren Commission despite his flat out refusal to do so. So let us now watch the DUmmies make excuses for Obama's utter incompetence in Bolshevik Red while the commentary of your humble correspondent, noting that the recent FAILED (thank goodness) gun control bill could have passed the Senate if not for Obama's reluctance to work directly on the Senators, is in the [barackets]:
WHY CAN'T PRESIDENT OBAMA GET ANYTHING DONE!!?1!! [BECAUSE HE WOULD RATHER HIT THE GOLF LINKS WITH TIGER WOODS!!!!!] Because there is a Republican majority in the House of Representatives and a stupid filibuster rule in the Senate, where Democrats have a small majority.
[So how was Ronald Reagan ever able to pass his tax cut bill in 1981? Maybe it was because he didn't treat the legislators like they had the plague?] We can fix that. We can fix that, if we really, really want to. It's up to us. We can fix it, or we can complain about it for another three years. I vote for fixing it. GOTV 2014! [Sorry but history is NOT on your side. The midterm elections in the second term of presidents are almost NEVER favorable for them and the ineptness of the current White House occupant will make things even worse. Now on to the other lame DUmmie excusess for Obama's incompetence.....] Obama, himself, needs to hold some face to face meetings with these people or at least set up some real time conference videos with specially set up town hall meetings where the people come and ask their questions and get direct answers from the President if only through teleconferencing. This administration is just not active enough. [Too much work for The One. Next suggestion?] WHY don't we have people who are willing to be more devious? [Oh, I think you have a plethora of that type.] Problem -- Harry Reid and Senate [Yeah, it is a little tough when your senate leader has all the charm of a gloomy undertaker.] Obama's relationship with Congress is bad because he wasn't in Congress very long and doesn't really understand how it works. Also, Obama has surrounded himself at the White House with a lot of smart guys who are mostly interested in themselves. He has only a very small number of long-term friends who will support him through thick or thin.
[Sounds like all his close friends are flunkies.] Yep we need to start thinking 2014. It's the only answer [Reserve the Rubber Room for November 2014 for DUmmie flamingdem.]
I thought he had a majority in the house a while back. So what would be the dif now?
[Maybe he won't waste all his time trying to pass a massive unworkable piece of legislation aka ObamaCare.]
Poor, poor President Obama, so helpless, except when he decides he doesn't want to be.
[He's very decisive in his Final Four picks.] GOTV = Get Out The Vaseline (and grab your ankles).
[Is that you, Ben Burch?] VOTE f*ck a vote. Is my entire life span f*cking nothing. 60 f*cking years, where's the land of opportunity. Where is the "land of the free". My f*cking vote means nothing because some rich mother f*cker can BUY my spineless greedy candidate AFTER he is in office. How much f*cking longer do I have to live to see this so called DEMOCRACY correct itself. Or would it be long enough if I lived another 100 years.
[Put On A Happy Face by
Gray skies are gonna clear up,
Put on a happy face;
Brush off the clouds and cheer up,
Put on a happy face.
Take off the gloomy mask of tragedy,
It's not your style;
You'll look so good that you'll be glad
Ya' decide to smile!
Pick out a pleasant outlook,
Stick out that noble chin;
Wipe off that "full of doubt" look,
Slap on a happy grin!
And spread sunshine all over the place,
Just put on a happy face!
Put on a happy face
Put on a happy face
And if you're feeling cross and bitterish
Don't sit and whine
Think of banana split and licorice
And you'll feel fine
I knew a girl so glooming
She'd never laugh or sing
She wouldn't listen to me
Now she's a mean old thing
So spread sunshine all over the place
Just put on a happy face
So, put on a happy face]
I am a 30,000 year old reincarnated being who materializes once every 5000 years in a Las Vegas hotel suite. My greatest goal in my eternal life is to spend 6 months on a small tropical island with Mary Matalin doing nothing but pitching a DUmmie FUnnies book (with CD-ROM insert) deal with her. If you happen to be Mary Matalin, please contact me at:
email@example.com. If you are anybody else, you can contact me there too. Remember, if you are a book publisher, please feel free to embarrass me with an extravagant book advance.